I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
