Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
