i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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