How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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