4 words: hood of his car
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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