Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm just crazy horny about you
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
