We're like a lot better than the average bears
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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