Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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