Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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