I accidentally had phone sex last night
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
