OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize