I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
