Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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