somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
smell my finger.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
