hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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