I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
