i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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