Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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