I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
