HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
