Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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