Just fell off a train. Bad.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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