I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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