I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize