the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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