Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
