why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
