why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
