Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
