i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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