I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
