You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Pooping to opera.
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