maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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