Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
