I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
