i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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