He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
