My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
