And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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