Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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