Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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