It's Friday. Sex?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
