so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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