the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
