The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
