I just saw a hot homeless man
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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