Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
