I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
