So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
