That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
