i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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