How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
