I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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