omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm getting married
To pizza
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
