sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
